Smarty Pants

I'm currently down to only 400mg of Gaba now.  Exciting, as of course the hope is to come off this medication completely.  This has caused two things to happen.  First, I no longer feel like a walking druggy.  I've spent the last year fairly medicated and felt I was walking around in a medicated fog.  Second, I'm started to feel things a bit more, sadly the "things" are pains.  The crainiectomy or permanent hole in my head hurts, as does part of the incision.  Now this could also be something else,  nerve regeneration. That whole side of my head has been numb since surgery, yet I feel pain.  So I'm not really sure if it's because I'm coming of the meds or my nerves are healing.  I many never know.  I do know that "brain itch" is still part of my life almost daily and could truly cause a sane person to loose their marbles.  Imagine 1000's of ants crawling under your scalp, all over your head and face, that's brain itch.  The only thing that seems to sooth it is heat.  I've become very friendly with my magic bag.

I'm preparing for an upcoming busy week.  Back to the eye clinic, who will hopefully lessen my prism strength.  Even though you have an appointment there, you need to prepare for the entire afternoon.  It's an odd place because everyone waiting there has vision issues.  So not to many people are reading obviously, and everyone is doing the same thing....people watching.  Lots of fun but can make for some awkward moments.

I also have a massage appointment to try and fix this neck pain I'm still experiencing from having my head tilted for so long.  I'm trying a different type of massage, as all the others haven't seemed to helped.

Then we are off to Dr Mulroy a Radiation Oncologist to discuss possible radiation treatment.  My Neurosurgeon recommends it but I want to hear what he has to say.  Apparently since I'm so young (41) and I still have a brain tumour, radiation might help to "delay" it's growth.  We were told that radiation doesn't shrink a tumour but rather stop it from growing.  Huh, who knew?  I guess we will find out more on Tuesday.

All of these appointment and new information given, wipes me out.  At the beginning of my recovery I couldn't sleep.  It was like I was afraid to sleep or just didn't want to miss anything in my recovery.  Now it's all I do.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I do, however, acknowledge that I am starting to do a bit more.  Laundry, sweeping, washing floors, even trying to weed my sad flower beds.  These activities prior to brain surgery would have all been done in one day after working 8 hours.  Now, one activity equals one nap.  I've stopped fighting it and surrender to my body's need.

I've come to realize that the brain is so much more then the main computer of the body, it is the body.  I always thought I had some control but the truth is I only have influence.  If the body wants to grow a tumour, it will, if it wants to get arthritis, it will, if it wants to get into perfect shape, it will.  The only thing we can control are the influences, smoking, drinking, going to the gym etc.  And even with all these influences both good and bad, the brain will end up doing what it wants in the end anyway.  I asked T Jay one day, "if the brain is so smart then why didn't it tell me I had a brain tumour" and he simply said "it did"  Hmmm, I pondered that for a few days, and thought yup he's right it sure did, I just wasn't listening.  So now I call him "Smarty Pants" you can decide if I'm referring to my brain or T Jay :)