Garden Love

I've spent my time since my last post trying to wrap my head around my latest bit of medical news.  I went through a few days were I felt 100% sorry for myself.  NOT a trait that I ever allow myself to fall into.  However, I'm guilty, guilty of the "boohoo's", the "why me's" the "what if's".  This sucks, and I'm ticked off that it's my reality.  I've been cranky, teary, upset and angry and that's OK because that was yesterday (or in this case, many yesterday's)

So here's my new reality, nothing has changed other then information, so stop my belly aching and get on with it.  I know I'm certainly not the only person to ever face the reality of radiation, so, suck it up princess,  I say to myself, and trudge on.  In this case my "trudge" led me to my garden, since I can't drive or even take the bus to "get away from it all", no one can stop me from playing in my back yard.

I plopped myself into my garden the other day, what a feeling to get my hands into the dirt.  I've always said I would be content if someone just gave me a patch of dirt to play in.  It's a soothing meditation, that only a gardener would understand.  It's the best release of anger, grabbing that weed and hauling it out.  I've taken back my little patch of garden that has been neglected over the last year due to me being unwell.  I couldn't believe the sense of power and accomplishment I felt cleaning up a small section.  And although it took me two days to remember some of the names of my perennials that I so dearly love, they did come back to me.  My centaurea cornflower, shasta daisy and clematice are all tucked happily without weeds, in their beds.  Which in turn led to me being tucked into my bed with sheer exhaustion of once again, overdoing it.  I now however, have a clear understanding of when that happens, dizziness, unbalanced, exhausted, and the craziest pressure in my head are all very clear indications that I need to stop.  I sadly have not figured out the point just before this happens, always leaving me saying "oh crap" I need to sit down before I fall down.

When I look out at the my tiny patch of garden that still needs weeks of work to even come close to the beauty it once was. I'm so thankful it needs work because so do I.  This is when I realize that it's the only thing I have control over right now, my little patch of dirt is saving my sanity.  It then becomes clear that my garden and I have taken our relationship to a whole new level.