Bubble Land

Sometimes I repeat myself and I don't remember even saying it.  Apparently I do it a lot.  I guess there is a possibility that I rewrite blogs.  That would be kind of funny actually, especially if they were months apart.  I'm sure they would have totally differently perspectives.  I find that my attitude is very different now that I'm almost 1 year post op.  I feel that in the beginning I was ecstatic at every little change and accomplishment.  Every appointment brought hope.  In the beginning there is an expectation that you will heal in the medical fields "determined amount of time"  I, of course thought that I would be back to normal way beyond what they said.  It's humbling to find out that healing is only partly in your control and slightly aggravating as well.

So I stand now in a different line, not the line where every Doctor wants a piece of you to get you back to your good old self.  Nope, I'm standing in the "we'll see you in six months line"  This line takes you right back home to sit and wait.  And I do, in my bubble.  I will admit I'm afraid to do things.  Walking on ice has me looking like I'm 103 years old.  T Jay said we should go skiing, and I said are you out of your mind?  I'll go with you but I'll be in the lodge drinking hot chocolate.  I just don't think I will ever ski or skate again simply out of fear.  I'm afraid of banging my head.  Now that this tumour thing is stretching into it's 3rd year as it all started in June of 2011, when I tried to take up jogging again.  Bam, welcome Trigeminal Neuralgia to my life.  My tumour saying hello, and oh by the way I've got your cranial nerves all wrapped up.  This tumour is stubborn, not unlike it's owner, and won't leave, can't leave because he's hanging out with the carotid artery.  I saw the pictures, I've painted my own picture in my head and the thought of falling and rattling that intruder around scares the life right out of me.  So I sit in a fearful bubble, a place that is very unfamiliar to me.  I need to learn to like Bubble Land or move out...or perhaps it's move on.