My appointments with all the wonderful doctors have continued as have my MRI's, the appointments, status quo, my MRI's no growth. Who could ask for more then that right? Well, for the past few months, I'm the one asking for more then that. An internal battle between the Kelly that was and the Kelly that is. I honestly don't like the new Kelly, I can't get used to her, I hate her internal struggle to find the balance that allows her to function. Would I say that I'm slightly depressed? Yes. I honestly see how people who struggle with a daily battle end their life. Now before you run off and tell my mom, or even worse TJay, I'm not suicidal, I love myself as a human being, as a mom, as a girlfriend and as a friend. I'm simply saying that I never could understand the ending of ones life. How selfish, is what I thought, how could you do that to your loved ones you leave behind. But I get it, the chronic pain, the constant pretending so others don't feel bad is exhausting and there are days I just don't want to play "the game." I'm tired of explaining why I'm not working to those "who just can't help but think it's time by their calculations"
I had an interesting experience over the holidays. I went to Dartmouth crossing. I don't go to Dartmouth crossing by myself, ever! The traffic, the bridge, the confusion, all extremely difficult on my brain, I can't process, I panic and I shut down. My daughter however, wanted to go see a football game, so I took her, which allowed me to shop at a store that is not located in Halifax for a Christmas present for my son. I apologized to the gentleman for coming in just before closing explaining that I didn't get the opportunity to come over here very much. Hoping he would help me find the items I was looking for as I was having a hard time concentrating, he tore me to pieces instead. "It's not that far to come here, I don't know why people say that all the time, why can't you cross the bridge" This went on and on, finally with a quivering lip I said "I have a brain tumour, I don't normally drive this far as it's to difficult" his response...."Oh great, now you made me feel like crap".....I purchased the shirts, went to my car and sobbed. I think about that day a lot. I often wonder who felt more like crap, him or me.
We have become a society that feels we know what's best for everyone else! Why? Why do we do that? We are less tolerable, less kind, less understanding. It's been three years since my surgery. Three years I have not worked, three years I have missed my co-workers, three years of the pride that goes along with saying who I am. Because believe me, you are no one unless you can say where you work. Your job, your title, your sole existence on this earth is based upon what you do for a living. And even when you get the courage to say you are not working due to a brain tumour, you still get picked apart, symptom by symptom. Most of my symptoms can be explained, the trigeminal neuralgia, the diploma, the exhaustion, but one is the right hand dropsy's. I tell the Doctors, they do their tests and no one says why. I drop cups, plates, keys, anything really, for no reason. I could do this several times a day or not for weeks. It's minor to the many other deficit I currently have, except for today. Today, putting away Christmas dishes I came across a gift from T Jay, a swarovski crystal snow flake. I've wanted it hung in my kitchen window for three years now. Today, I attached a piece of fishing line and as I reached to hang it on the nail in the centre of my picture window, it crashed to the floor, it was in my hand, then it wasn't. As I looked at the two perfect pieces of snowflake I fell to my knees and wept, sobbed really. Academy award winning guttural cry! I broke something so precious to me because my hand decided at that moment not to work. I broke something so precious to me because the Kelly that "was" and the Kelly that "is" still don't agree on what I can and cannot do.
The crystal is hanging in my window now, glued back together. The sun shines through it creating beautiful rainbows on my floor. It's broken but you'd never know. Just like someone I know, ohh the irony!!
